How I Tried to Kill My Girlfriend With an Air Conditioner

If you come to the U.S. from Europe, one thing you might find hard to take is just how cold it feels in most public establishments in summer. Not too many Americans wear sweaters to dinner in the month of August. It's an odd look in these parts, to say the least. They just don't use air conditioning that much in Europe, and probably think we're all a bunch of wimps. My girlfriend felt like a side of beef hanging in a butcher shop for a great deal of the time she spent here during summer. Even I'll admit they crank up the AC excessively in most restaurants. But I'm used to it.

One thing I do enjoy is a chilly room when I sleep, especially in motels. One night while we were staying at a state park inn in Indiana, I had the AC blowing quite liberally. There I was, sleeping blissfully, when awoke to a rustling beside me. Soon after, the air conditioner was switched off.

"What's wrong?" I grumbled, in a still slightly somnambulistic state.

"I'll be dead by morning if that thing blows on me all night!" she grumbled back.

"It's not that cold." I knew that wasn't a wise thing to say before I got all the words out of my mouth. "It feels nice."

"You're trying to kill me with the air conditioner, aren't you?"

Many more grumbles were exchanged back and forth, until we each grumbled our way back to bed. I think part of the reason I like an AC running at night is because, over the years, I've developed a problem falling asleep in a silence. I have a mild case of tinnitus, which drives me a little crazy if it's not drowned out. All through the year, I sleep with a running fan.

My girlfriend fell back to sleep in a very short time, while I entertained myself listening to the ringing in my ears. I was still grumbling on the inside.

She still suspects I tried to "off her" that night. She can't come up with any reasoning to explain why, at that particular time, I'd consider such a heinous act, but she has become been very leery around air conditioners. I'll admit, the thought briefly crossed my mind as the roles reversed that night, and I lay there roasting like a pig on a spit. Hey, I'm not perfect.

This article has been republished from my material at Xomba.com

Larry David Nails an Annoying Bluetooth Idiot

There are times I'd like to stab these loud, annoying pricks, who gab on cell phones in public places, with a fork -- preferably in both eardrums.

I dearly miss Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm ever since I lost my free HBO a couple of years ago. I'm a cheap bastard, what can I say.

Earth Friend Gen Sighted

I was reading a couple of news pieces earlier about Jennifer Moss, who goes calls herself Earth Friend Gen. She has made name for herself with her nude inline skating and cycling around Portland, Oregon. Apparently there has been another sighting, which prompted some 911 calls. One source said something about police telling her to "cool it" because people were complaining, among them construction workers.

Eh? Construction workers complaining about a naked woman -- and one with a pretty nice bod, as well -- cruising around on a bicycle? That's sounds a bit fucked up, to me.

She is quite the passionate "Greenie", this Jen. Although she sounds pretty flaky and is obviously and exhibitionist, I'll give her credit for being unique, anyway. She has strong beliefs and just wants to get her message out. I wouldn't knock anyone for that in my often overly cynical manner. She can ride naked in my hometown, anytime she likes. Of course it's not legal in my neck of the woods, like it is in Oregon.

U.S. Department of Homeland Paranoia and Stupidity

We really know how to make visitors coming to the U.S. feel welcome, these days. What other country fingerprints all visitors arriving at our airports? Now it appears that everyone planning a trip to our country will have to electronically apply for approval as part of the Visa Waiver Program. Boy, if Americans had to go through crap like that to get into foreign countries, you could imagine how many would be screaming their heads off.
Hell, how many nations demand their own citizens fill out a friggin' questionnaire just to get back into their own country? Like it's anybody's business but my own where I've been and what meaningless merchandise I'm bringing back.

I absolutely love some of the questions they are now asking foreigners. Here are a couple of real beauties, right off the stupid site:

B) Have you ever been arrested or convicted for an offense or crime involving moral turpitude or a violation related to a controlled substance; or have been arrested or convicted for two or more offenses for which the aggregate sentence to confinement was five years or more; or have been a controlled substance trafficker; or are you seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral activities? *

C) Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved , in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies? *

Yeah, that's going to be seriously effective at keeping the criminal element out of the US. If anyone answers yes to either question, they should be allowed right in. Anybody stupid enough to announce their intentions is not going to be a very successful terrorist, that's for sure.

Of course, it's quite possible we might just nab a few 95 year old former SS officers. If they're senile enough, who knows.

You just can't make this stuff up, folks.

This article is republished from my material at Xomba.com

Sarah Palin Action Figure

Since most politicians are more talk than action, it seems quite ironic to turn them into action figures.

Anyway, I'm sure it will be a very big seller. There are several to choose from, currently, among them the school girl look pictured here. Soon to come, models available with a Bible and sword.

Order your Sarah Palin action figure today!

Messin' With Telemarketers

Normally I detest those annoying telemarketing calls. But every once in awhile, when I'm in a playful mood, I love to mess with the telemarketers. A couple of years back, I received a call offering me a special package to Branson, Missouri. I'm always coming up with way of messing with these people after the fact, oddly enough. This had been rolling around in my head for awhile.

Telemarketer: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, special offer, blah, blah, blah, two nights in Branson, Mo..."

Me: "Wow, that sounds pretty neat. I've heard Branson is kinda like Las Vegas. I love to gamble! Do they have some good casinos there?"

Telemarketer: "No sir, currently there is no gambling in Branson. But..."

Me: "Bummer. I might be interested if they had some casinos. I really love to gamble!"

Telemarketer: "Well, they have lot of great live shows. Do you like...?"

Me: 'I mean, I really, really love to gamble!"

Telemarketer: *laughs* "I do too. I wish they had gambling. but..."

Me: "Hey, do you think you could do something about that? Call some people and see if you get them to put in some casinos."

Telemarketer: *laughs again* "I don't think so, sir. Now, let me tell you..."

Me: 'What, you won't even try?"

Telemarketer: *more laughter* "I'm afraid not."

Me: "Sheesh, you don't wanna work very hard for a commission, do you? Good luck with this job."

What if Neo had a Phobia of Swallowing Pills?

A few weeks ago, I flicked on the T.V. and happened upon The Matrix on some cable channel -- TNT, I believe.

Anyway, I tuned in at that pivotal moment when Neo was being presented those great big green and blue pulls. Damn, but those were some big ass pills! It would have been a major problem for me, because I've always had a bit of a phobia when it comes to swallowing really big pills. It's a good thing Neo didn't have such a phobia, or the scene might have gone quite differently.

Morpheus: You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.

Neo: Holy crap, those are some big-ass pills! You wouldn't happen to have those in liquid form, would you?

Morpheus:What???

Neo: I mean, I can't swallow big pills -- never could. Call it a phobia.

Morpheus: We don't have time for this. Pick a pill, suck it up, and swallow it!

Neo: (Takes the red pill from Morpheus) It's a really, really big pill!

Morpheus: Take the water and swallow it! Don't be such a big baby!

Neo: Hey, I know! Do you have any ice cream? That usually helps me get them down.

Morpheus: Yeah, yeah sure! I'll just dash off to the kitchen and see what we have in stock. Any particular flavor you'd prefer?

Neo: No, no, any flavor will do..well, if you have chocolate chip, that would be...

Morpheus: TAKE THE DAMN PILL!

Neo: You were just being sarcastic, then.

Morheus:Duhhhhhhhhhh!

Neo: I'm starting not to like you at all, Morpheus. Try to be a little more sensitive to my problems, will ya? Couldn't I just chew it up?

Morpheus: Yeah, go ahead an chew it! See how many teeth you have left! What do you think this is, a vitamin pill?

Neo: I guess not.

Morpheus: (Drops shaking head into hands) Ok, let's try this. Drop down on all fours like a dog.

Neo Complies with Morpheus's request, then proceeds to wrestle Neo to the ground. He then sticks his fingers in Neo's mouth like you would to give a dog a pill. He shoves the red pill into his mouth, and then holds Neo's jaws firmly shut with his hands. Unfortunately, Neo spits the pill right out after Morpheus releases his grip.

This goes on for awhile. Eventually, the other members of the team are brought in to help restrain Neo. They finally get the pill down him, but serious doubt is now cast on whether Neo is actually "The One."

Hey, it could've have been a cool scene. But then again, I'm a little weird.

This article is republished from my material at Xomba.com

Geographically Challanged Americans

My Swiss girlfriend was on the phone with her brother the other day, and the topic of discussion turned to Americans. She was telling him about her many encounters with people in the U.S. who confused Switzerland and Sweden. There was a long pause on the other end of the line, before her brother exclaimed:

"Ahhhhh, so that's what he meant!"


He was referring to a conversation he had recently with his business partner where he made reference to Scandinavian time, believing, of course, that Switzerland was in that time zone.

I must admit, I've never quite understood this confusion myself. Ever since I was a kid, I had some knowledge of Switzerland and it's location. Perhaps that had something to do with being a history buff from an early age. There were lots of books around the house on WW2, and I regularly consumed them. I understood Switzerland's roll in the trade of Nazi loot, for one thing. Of course it wasn't the only country that profited from the Nazi scourge, but I digress.

Perhaps Americans are just a little geographically challenged, as a whole. You would expect uneducated people to not confuse the two countries, but what is the excuse of those with a higher education? When my girlfriend lived in Seattle, she was dating a guy whose sister had been a teacher for decades. You'd think she'd know better, but apparently not. Suffice to say, she was quite embarrassed to be politely educated on the subject.

Is it just that the two countries begin with the same two letters? Or maybe it's because the U.S. is so large, it's enough of a task for Americans to learn about their own geography. And let's face it, the general populace couldn't point quite a number of those little states on the east coast if they weren't labeled. Hell, even I have a problem with that.

I'll make a confession: Before I met my girlfriend, I was under the impression that Switzerland was geographically located to the north of Germany. Whoops! Well, that's less embarrassing than confusing it with that big slab of a country up in Scandinavia.

Take a look at the map above which was featured on CNN some years ago. How does a major news network confuse the Czech Republic with Switzerland? Damn, my face would really be red.

This article is republished from my material at Xomba.com