One thing that can always get me ranting is the subject of American Puritanism. When a nipple exposed for a few seconds can send an entire nation into a tizzy, it's time to grow-up. Europeans look upon such ridiculous scandals with utter disbelief. They just can't comprehend how Americans can be so uptight about sex and nudity.
The latest in absurd censorship is the banned Peta T.V. advertisement that was slated to run on Super Bowl Sunday. Apparently, NBC deemed the content a little too sexual. It didn't look that risque to me, quite frankly. I didn't see one nipple or naughty bit.
Of course, PETA certainly needn't worry about getting millions to see their racy little display. After all, it's a hot Google trend, which is exactly why you're viewing it here on my humble blog.
Perhaps that was the plan all along. They may actually reach more people on the WW now that's it been banned from Super Bowl Sunday.
All you internet "players" had better watch your asses, because you never know who might be utilizing this software.
The KishKish Lie Detector allows the user to monitor the stress levels of the person on the other end of a conversation on Skype. Jesus, just how paranoid and devious would you have to be to download something like this? Well, maybe if you've been burnt a few times with online relationships, I might be able to understand to some degree.
I guess it's only natural to want to make sure of the people we're dealing with -- protect ourselves, as it were. Ah, but nothing is certain in life. If I ever found out someone was monitoring my reactions during a friendly chat, I'd end that relationship quicker than Shredded Wheat passes through my lower intestines. It's just plain creepy. People like that I can do without.
As if worrying about being laid up with a nasty cold wasn't bad enough, now it seems those airborne germs could lead to a far worse condition -- perhaps necessitating the use of a fork lift and a consultation with Dick Gregory to extract you from your bedroom.
It seems a virus known as AD-36, scientists day, infects the lungs, then spreads throughout the body forcing fat cells to multiply faster than rabbits...and the Osmond family.
Happy reading. I'm off to the health food store to load up on the bioflavonoids, and other immune boosting supplements. Swimsuit season is just four months away, after all. You can't be too damn careful.
When I first caught wind of this, I figured it had to be a gag. Well, I went to chia.com, and believe it or not, this thing is for real. Those people at Chia just keep coming up with solid winners, I tell ya. Ok, I'm still a little disappointed with the Chia Carpet -- damn thing turned yellow after only a month. And they wouldn't refund my money, either. Bastards!
This marketing of our new president has gotten a bit out of hand, even if it is thoroughly entertaining. What's next, I wonder? I'll keep on top of it and present it here, being the Google Trends whore I have regrettably become.
Oops, before I forget, here's the link where you can order your Special Edition Chia Obama. Don't get too excited, though, because I hear they won't be available until mid-March.
While perusing the Google trends, I noticed that today is Squirrel Appreciation Day, as well as National Hugging Day. Now, I'm a big fan of both hugs and squirrels, believe me. However, it occurred to me that someone is bound to get confused and have a go at hugging a squirrel -- bad idea! The buggers have razor sharp teeth, capable of chawing a a nice little hole right in the side of your face should you get the unwise notion of engaging one in a loving embrace. Years ago, I had a cat who was quite fond of chasing these hyper little rodents whenever one would appear in the yard. One day, he got one cornered, and the end result was...well, a nice little hole chawed right in the side of his face. I'm sad to say the feline didn't get any wiser for the experience, though. As soon as the wound healed up, he was right back out there looking to get a matching scar on the opposite cheek.
So, this is my public service announcement for the year. If you see a squirrel, appreciate it; maybe toss it a nut or two. But for fuck's sake, don't try to hug it. Hug your children, your grandchildren, your mate, your friends...even a tree, if the urge strikes you, unless the bark is particularly abrasive. Just stay way from members of the Sciuridae family.
Barack Obama has now become the 44rd president of the United States, and so brings to an end one of the worst presidencies in American history -- at least that's how it appears to us at the moment. History could possibly paint a kinder picture, who knows. One thing I can say with absolute certainty, though: It is very unlikely we will ever see a more linguistically challenged specimen residing in the White House than George W. Bush. His body of gaffes is beyond comprehension. As I stated before, this man will be sorely missed by practitioners of the comedic arts.
So long, Dubya; hello Mr. Obama. May you reign with wisdom, heart, and confidence. Give us a little comic material to work with along the way, if you please. But bear in mind: one presidential laughing stock per century is quite enough, thank you.
After reading an article about the nude Madonna photograph that's currently up for auction, I vaguely remembered seeing the Playboy issue in which it first appeared. I went looking for them, and sure enough, they jogged my memory further.
They were taken in the late 70s, and published in Playboy in 1985 after the material girl had become a pop icon. There's certainly nothing remarkable about them -- very amateurish, if you ask me -- unless you happen to be a big fan of underarm hair on women. I've never found Madonna to be particularly strikingly beautiful or anything. She's got a pretty nice rack, though. But her body became far sexier later on when she started working out heavily. The photo is expected to go for at least $15,000.
For all those interested, here's the collection of black and white Madonna nudes. In my opinion, they're not worth $15.
Why anyone would want to pay this kind of money for a night with an inexperienced woman is beyond me. I understand the allure of the virgin to some extent. But this is just nuts.
For anyone who hasn't kept up with the story, Natalie Dylan, a 22 year old college student who put her virginity on the auction block to pay for her graduate studies. Well, the bidding is over $3.7 smackeroos, at present, with offers still flooding in.
With youngsters like this in our midst, the future certainly looks bright, doesn't it?
The National Counterterrorism Center has just released its 2009 calendar. What is this, you may ask? Well, it's 164-page daily planner, featuring the world's most deadliest men and deadliest substances. It lists Muslim, Christian, and Jewish holidays, as well as anniversaries of deadly strikes. Believe it or not, it actually offers advice on just how far to run away from bombs of varying sizes.
Jesus, I don't think I really need anyone to tell me how far I need to run should I spot an explosive device. I'm likely to employ all my muscles at maximum power, and not stop until the fucking thing has gone boomers.
Seriously, this calender is intended for national security personnel, but it's available to the general public, as well. If you feel the government hasn't instilled quite enough raging paranoia in you -- or you need to sharpen your fear to a razor fine point -- you just might want to peruse the 2009 Counterterrorism calender. Pay particularly close attention to the altered photo of Usama bin Laden, shown with a closely cropped beard and Western attire. This is bound to have a great number of people pissing in their pants on a daily basis, while feverishly dialing the the appropriate authorities on their cell phones.
The world is filled with mentally unbalanced, hostile, and violent people. To the chagrin of we sane individuals, most of them are licensed to drive. If you want to risk pushing the on button of a psycho behind the wheel, turning his/her mode of transportation into a lethal weapon, by all means respond to all inconsiderate drivers with an obscene gesture or a few colorful expletives. It could certainly turn an otherwise mundane, uneventful day into an adrenaline charged ride of your life - or ride for your life, might be more appropriate.
Me, I'll try to exercise a little more restraint and common sense. Of course, I don't always practice what I preach. I'm human like the rest of us, last time I did a thorough check. I've had those trying days when it seemed a divine conspiracy to erode my sanity was in play, as I calculated just what else could go wrong. Right about that moment is when I encounter the colossal boob with the cell phone permanently attacked to the side of his head who's oblivious to everything around him but the inane conversation in which he's most likely engaged. That's when my capacity for rational thought and responses becomes frighteningly low. Luckily, I've survived those rare occasions.
Funny, it's the little driving infractions that are most likely to set me off the most. Like the idiots who can't be bothered to exercise the minimal attention required , when pulling up to a four-way-stop, to determine when it's their turn to proceed. And for some reason, it's not the ones who simply go out of turn, it's the ones who give you that little wave when it's clearly their time to get on with this simple task of getting from point A to point B in their shiny status symbols.
Usually when something more dire occurs at highs speeds, like people weaving unpredictably from lane to lane, I'm more likely to shake my head and be thankful I survived crossing paths with such a lunatic. Go figure.
The older I get, the more restraint I'm able to muster. That's a good thing. That's called emotional maturing. It's good to be alive, and I plan to tempt fate as seldom as possible. Awww hell, maybe I'm just turning into a big wuss, who knows.
There's just too much "cute" on the internet, in my honest opinion (IMHO). It's getting so I can't even snack while going about my daily online routine, for fear I might accidentally stumble across something so cute and sweet, it pushes my blood sugar to dangerously high level. The internet is a perilous place.
If you've grown tired of the same old "cheezburger" lovin' felines, you might enjoy Cute Things Falling Asleep, which appears to be one the latest online hits. Chicks, puppies, babies, kitties...if it's terminally cute, chances are you'll find a video of it on this site. You can even submit your own videos.
I have a sneaking, horrible suspicion drugs are involved in this whole thing. Do you suppose that a certain percentage of these videos are actually fuzzy little critters who are, in fact, heading off for "the big sleep" because someone got a little overzealous with the dosage? Shit, what a scary thought!
Flipping through a magazine a couple of weeks ago, I came upon a picture of Deepak Chopra, and was a bit taken back by the gaudy, red, sparkly, studded glasses he is now sporting. He may have had them for awhile; I just haven't seen any pictures or film of him for quite some time, so forgive me if this is yesterday's news.
I've read a little, not a lot, of the man's words, and have developed some respect for the message he imparts. But these glasses just look hideous. Even if he weren't trying to present himself as some sort of spiritual authority, they still look ridiculous -- even on that dude who's all hopped on latte, pushing those government grant books. I don't know his name, but he always appears to be about two heartbeats away from a massive coronary.
Someone left this spoof site in a comment on my piece about the Obama commemorative plate, and I about doubled over with laughter. Surely we've all seen these cheesy commercials more than a few times since they first started hawking this ridicluous piece of merchandise. Actually, they're quite hysterical. There's nothing funnier than unintentional satire, in my mind.
Anyway, if 20 bucks seems a bit steep for a gaudy mantle commemorative piece, then you might want to consider the President Barack Obama Inaugural Commemorative Paper Plate. It's half the price; plus no two of these little beauties are alike, being hand drawn and all. You'll be purchasing a true, one of kind work of art. Order your's today before the artist develops carpel tunnel syndrome.
I've finally completed my list of resolutions for 2009. Never one to put to much pressure on myself, I'm certain these are goals I can easily achieve. Upfront, my primary objective for the year is to actually fulfill every one of my New Year's resolutions. You probably have already figured out I'm not raising the bar too high.
1. As already stated, I plan to keep every resolution I make this year.
2.I resolve to not run over an Armadillo while operating a motor vehicle. Just staying out of the south central U.S., especially Texas, should ensure this one.
3. I resolve to utilize more inventive expletives whenever someone gives me that little wave to go ahead at a four-way stop when it's clearly the imbecile's turn.
4. If someone proclaims to my face that they believe the Beatles were overrated, I will not bludgeon them with any object available to me at the time.
5. I will not attempt to murder my girlfriend with an air conditioner. Check the blog archives. She believes I tried it before.
6. I resolve to never take in vain the name of the one true god, Geebius.
7. If I slide into a ditch while driving on an icy or snow covered road, I will write "I'm a dumb ass" 200 times.
8. I resolve to never provoke, or poke with a sharp stick, obviously rabid woodland animals.
9. I resolve to set aside quality time to contemplate life, work on becoming a more selfless individual, and improve the life of everyone around me...if I've already watched all the decent videos on YouTube.
Wish me luck! Here's hoping that your 2009 is productive, entertaining, fulfilling, and most importantly, non-lethal.
Awhile back, I got hooked on playing some stupid poker game on my cell phone -- one of those available through Twistbox Games. I reasoned the $3.99 I was paying per month was just coming out of money I never used on my pre-paid phone, so it was insignificant. Diligently, I was trying my damndest to win that little Ipod Shuffle. But it seemed to me that no matter how well I played -- someone mysterious player -- whom I never even saw in the list of top players for the day -- would suddenly appear at the top of the list 5 minutes before the tournament ended. I suspected evil shenanigans on the part of Twistbox. Anyway, like an idiot, I continued to partake in this mindless, and likely rigged, amusement.
Eventually, I won a tournament in September. And again in October. What were the prizes? Both times it was a $5 Amazon gift certificate. Big whoop, right? Ahh, well. it was better than nothing. So I'm waiting weeks for these little rascals to arrive. They finally show up in the mail a couple of days after Christmas. Great, 10 bucks to splurge on Amazon. What will I buy? Strangely enough, I decided to search for printer cartridges. Amazed, I found a set for just $11.89 for my Brother MFC -- two of each color, to be exact. That sounded rather cheap to me, but what did i have to lose? After the certificates were applied, the total was just $3.89. I guess I didn't have much to lose, so I submitted the order.
Today the cartridges showed up, I popped them in, and the stupid display beeps, informing me that there's no ink. A little background on my printer situation: After refilling my old ones the last time, I wasn't getting anything to print out at all, figuring what was left in them has just dried up, rendering the heads permanently clogged; nothing to be done but get new cartridges, right? Well, obviously something else is amiss with the the thing. Bugger! I still have a dysfunctional printer, and I likely wasted my poker winnings. The odds are, I'll end up smashing the Brother MFC against the wall before I actually take it to be fixed. I know, I've got serious anger issues.
Sorry about this rather long, boring rant about trivial bullshit. Don't think I forgot about the "nice treat" I promised.
Here ya go: a gutsy feline duking it out with the business end of an obstinate printer. Hey, I can do cutesy, occasionally. But don't get used to it.
