Why Do I Always Get the Shopping Cart with the Kid Somebody Left Behind?

I know, I know. This subject has been ranted about a million times, right? But it just gets on my nerves, sometimes. It's something we all deal with from occasionally. How many times have you been halfway across the store before you realize you're hauling a screaming infant -- or maybe a toddler -- somebody left behind in their cart? Sheesh! I always ponder the idea of returning it for a new one, but never do. Rather, I just put up with it. Stupid, that.

It's always an in ill tempered, kid, too -- without exception! And if they see something they want, the decibel level of their incessant wailing goes up a notch or two. I'm not that great with young kids, I freely admit. Once, however, I managed to calm an particularly noisy brat down by using a Maglite from the sporting goods section of Wal-Mart to put on a impromptu shadow puppet show. I actually managed to get all the way back across the store and most of my produce shopping accomplished before he figured it was time to blow another fuse.

From now on, I'm going to inspect my cart more closely before mindlessly heading across another retail outlet. Sometimes I think I'm just a little reluctant to appear to picky by returning one. Getting the perfect cart is probably an impossibility, I suppose. But when you consider how much we spend in their goddamn stores, it's really not too much to ask to be spared such a inconvenience, is it?

Of course it isn't.

Joe Biden Drops the F-Bomb? Big Fuckin' Deal!

First off, I rank the term "F-bomb" right up there with "wardrobe malfunction" in when it comes to sheer idiocy. These absurd euphemisms that keep worming their way into the American vernacular are making me ill. Once again Europeans get to shake their heads and laugh at us when something so trivial makes big headlines.

It's barely audible, but you can hear Joe Biden utter the utterly shocking words, "It's a big fuckin' deal," after introducing President Obama.

Hopefully, I get some fuckin' traffic for putting up this video, and rake in a little fuckin' revenue That would be a big fuckin' deal to me.

Ahhh, Those Wonderful Mind Altering Chemicals!

Let me just preface this article by saying it is my firm belief that living a life free of mind altering chemicals is the wisest choice. From a spiritual point of view, the best path to some greater truth is perhaps, no path at all, let alone an herb, or a pharmaceutical concoction, etc. No, the best path is simply watching the world around you with a keen, non judgmental eye. Sooner or later, wisdom and higher knowledge will find you.

Alright, I've sufficiently covered my ass. Now on to the topic at hand.

Sometimes a nice blast of [insert your favorite mind altering chemical here] can be an infinitely rewarding change of pace, right? I mean, there's nothing like sitting in a semi-darkened room, watching the patterns in the carpet begin swirling upward as the entire room becomes a vortex of pure universal energy, you lose all sense of identity and sense of possessing an organic vessel.

Yeah, that's a fuckin' kick! I want to reenact a scene from Altered States where Michael Hurt has the ultimate in hallucinatory experiences inside an isolation chamber and literally changes his physical form.

Nahhh, maybe not.


This is a touchy subject. We're taught in Western Culture that these types of substances are very, very bad for you. Or at least to get it out of your system at a young age. Yet, many other cultures utilize natural psychoactives in religious ceremonies and honor them as sacred plants capable of expanding our spiritual awareness. Many of us approach it the same way as we get older here, too -- perhaps so we don't many to think of ourselves as overgrown adolescents.

"I'm searching for some greater understanding of my place in the universe!" *bubble, bubble, bubble*
"Whoa, that's some good...I mean, this is very enlightening!"

I'm beginning to wonder, though, if these loftier notions about mind altering chemicals is really just a crock of poo. Probably the only reason anyone does it to escape their normal perception of reality. Even animals do it, I think. And there's nothing wrong with that. Just be responsible. Make sure if you're doing something really, really trippy, to have a team of medical professionals on hand as sitters to monitor your brain functions, blood pressure, and all that.