Tiger Woods Christmas Card

Tiger Woods is not having too much fun right now, I'm sure. Making the rounds in the wake of his little car bust-up and the admission of his extra marital affair, this Photoshopped image is making the rounds on the internet. This fake Christmas card needs no real set-up, obviously. It's another one of those "cringe" moments in the world of online comedy. You can't help but laugh, but feel bad afterward. Well, not me.

Poor Tiger has even made a public apology to his fans on his website. Jesus, does anyone really give two mini shits? Give me a break!

Fidel Castro Dead after Bizarre Cuban Cigar Mishap

Ahhh, those pesky internet death rumor pranks. They've become standard fare on the internet, this year. I seem to recall shortly after Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett passed during the same week this summer, Google Hot Trends were inundated on a daily basis with all manner of high profile celebrities that supposedly had kicked the bucket. One day, celebrities were dropping so fast it looked as if a deadly virus has suddenly swept through the Hollywood community. Fidel Castro appears to be the latest target.

Initially, I stuck a crap load of question marks after the first three words my header just so I don't get into trouble. Sure, I want to capitalize on those Hot Trends, get people to read my stuff, make beaucoup Adsense bucks, and retire to and island in the Caribbean. But I don't want to infuriate the internet God of ethical practices. He, or she, is liable to strike my poor old Dell dead with a monumental power surge. Instead of the question marks, I decided to get clever, so I added the bit about the Cuban cigar. Unless you have the IQ of a bell pepper, you know immediately that I'm merely yanking your chain.

Sitting just above Fidel Castro in the number one slot is the word nephelococcygia, which comes from the play, The Birds, written by Greek Playwright Aristophanes. Apparently, this is a mental condition where one is overcome with the sudden and inexplicable desire to suck a Cuban cigar into their windpipe while enjoying its aroma during a relaxing afternoon of watching clouds drift by and looking for interesting shapes and formations. I'm guessing there is a definite connection to poor Fidel's fictional rumored demise.

Damn, that would not be a pleasant way to go.

The Stupid Virus & TWILF Definition

Certain right wing Fruit Loops came to mind when I watched this rather amusing short cartoon from Current TV. I came upon it when I looking for the definition of "TWILF," which sits atop the Google Hot Trends at the moment. The acronym, of course, is another take off on MILF. The Urban Dictionary suggests the meaning is Tweet I'd Like to Follow. I guess that makes sense, since this term was directed at Sarah Palin in this little bit of satire as she was sending out a tweet on Twitter. Or is that a twit on Tweeter? Whatever.

Anyway, the cartoon lampoons all the ridiculous misinformation circulating about President Obama, which originates from a virus spread by a monkey.

Curb Your Enthusiasm: Season 7, Episode 5

I know quite a number of people who were die hard Seinfeld fans, but just never warmed up to Larry David's HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm. Perhaps the real George Costanza was better filtered through the more accessible Jason Alexander.

Ahh, but I love this show. Larry is the person we'd all like to be from time to time: straightforward, without a politically correct bone in his body.

In episode 5 from the current season, we see the consumate insensitive curmudgeon blundering his way through encounters with two women in wheelchairs. The results are predictable -- and quite hysterical -- if you've followed this series for awhile. Larry is in top form, here.

Moon Explosion Big Bust

What a bitch! That big LCROSS satellite rocket explosion yesterday turned out to be a giant bust. People all over pointed their telescopes at the lunar surface in hopes of witnessing a spectacular show -- it wasn't to be. No plumes of dust, no nothing. Even the pros at NASA didn't see anything.

Not only did NASA crap out in providing amateur astronomists with a visual wonder, but apparently they didn't turn up any water, either. Next time they need to use a bigger rocket, I think.

For those thoroughly disappointed, perhaps this classic sketch from Mr. Show will provide some consolation. Enjoy!

David Letterman YouTube Confession: Extortion Makes for Top Notch Comedy

There's nothing like an attempted grand larceny plot gone wrong to boost your ratings. I'm sure you've all heard the buzz, by now. Dave informed his audience that he had been the victim of an extortion plot -- and admitted to having sexual relations with several female staffers of his late night talk show. Man, that's some juicy stuff. Who would have thunk a celebrity is getting a little on the side? I can't wait to hear what Sarah Palin has to say about all this. She already thinks he's a creepy old guy. Then again, people who advocate gassing wolf cubs in their dens don't have a lot of room to talk, do they?

The man guilty of the bungled attempt at extortion has been arrested. His name is John Halderman, a producer for 48 Hours. Apparently, he lived with one Stephanie Burkett, one of the female staffers Letterman had diddled.

I'll have to admit, Dave was in top comedic form, here.

'So You Think You Can Dance' Contestant #22036 Flashes Audience

Contestant #22036 put on quite a show for the studio audience on Tuesday night's episode of "So You Think You Can Dance." So ecstatic that she'd been chosen to move on to the next round, she rolled around on the floor revealing...well, more than it's appropriate to reveal on national television.

Whether or not she wasn't wearing panties is still unclear, at this point. But if she was, I guess we can consider this a serious "wardrobe malfunction."

If she wasn't wearing undies, what shall we call this mishap? A "wardrobe omission," perhaps?

More on this absolutely shocking story available here.

Hugh Jackman Cell Phone Incident

I could rant all day about annoying cell phone users. How arrogant and self centered do you have to be to ignore the standard request issued at most theaters to turn your fuckin' phone off?

Here we see Hugh Jackman's agitated reaction when a phone goes off during a play. He and Daniel Craig were performing A Steady Rain last week on Broadway.

Personally, I think anyone caught with a ringing cell phone in such venues should be immediately jerked from their seats, held upside down by two large ushers, and shaken until the device drops out of their pocket. They should then be thrown outside, preferably into the path of an oncoming bus. But not before their trendy mobile device is ceremoniously smashed into small bits with a sledge hammer against a concrete slab.

Ok, now I feel better.

Community Service

This summer, the sun seems to have it in for me. Maybe it just delights in seeing me squint, perhaps. You see, without exception, if I head out for my daily torture session on my beloved road bike without my dark lenses, the sky clears just enough for it to send ample rays down on my face. It doesn't matter if the forecast calls for an 80% chance of rain, either. If I pop out the gray and insert the clear into my cheapo multi-lens eyewear, the sun is going to shine. It's a goddamn conspiracy, I tell you. Maybe there is a God, and he wants me to get cataracts. Wait, that couldn't be it. Even the clear lens offers 100% protection against UV rays -- I think. Or maybe God doesn't know everything after all. Could it be he isn't aware of the characteristics of polycarbonate lenses? Hmmm.

It suddenly dawned on me, while pondering this dilemma, how I could be of some service to my local community. During times when outdoor events -- say a large group picnic -- occurs, all that would be required to ensure precipitation doesn't spoil the day would be to send me out for a bike ride without my dark glasses. I could do a loop around the town for the duration of the event, festivities, whatever. What better way to serve my community, I ask you. No more rained out festivals, carnivals, ball games, or cookouts. As long as I'm out riding and squinting, it would be a fabulous day. I've has special powers that need to be utilized for the good of others.

Perhaps it might not be totally out of line for me to rent myself out for smaller affairs. Hey, I'm all for volunteering my services for the good of the community but there's nothing wrong with making a buck or two, as well. Having a little family picnic? Give me a call, we'll work something out.

Kanye West Interrupts Patrick Swayze Funeral

This was pretty inventive, I have to admit. Published by The Spoof, the satiric article capitalizes on the recent Kayne West debacle at the MTV Music Awards. Here's the entire, brief piece:

Even as the buzz on Twitter, Facebook, and the universe of entertainment news outlets is humming with the discussion of the hip-hop star's outrageous antics at the MTV Videao Music Awards, Kanye West doubled down on his image as an outspoken and no-holds-barred loudmouth yesterday.

During a service being held to remember the life and career Patrick Swayze, West barged his way into the pastor's pulpit, comandered the mic and launched into a tyrade on the '80s star's death and funeral.

After seizing the platform from the startled reverend West said, "I'm happy for your Patrick and I'll let them finish your service in a minute but I just wanted to say that Michael had one of the best funerals ever!"

Swayze was unavailable for comment.

Ok, maybe it wasn't that funny. The concept was good, but the writing didn't really do it justice, in my opinion. And what's with all the typos? Sheesh!

Here's the link to the article at The Spoof.