Curmudeonly Rant: Random Annoying Speech Patterns and Catch Phrases

I'm frustrated. For some reason -- maybe it's just all the stress I'm going through at the moment -- everything and everyone is annoying the hell out of me. And it's often the most seemingly trivial things that set me off. For instance, certain speech patterns and overused catch phrases just get under my skin to the point where I feel like letting loose a blood curdling scream. Soon, they'll be coming to take me away to a nice, restful location where all that stress will be magically dispersed -- with the help of some potent pharmaceuticals, no doubt.

However, before they haul me away to comfortable padded cell, allow to me to present to you a few examples of exactly what's been driving me bonkers, for awhile.

Uptalking

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this term, "uptalking" is the ending of every sentence with an interrogative tone so that every bleeping sentence sounds like a question. Now you get it, right?. I believe it all began in the San Fernando Valley region of California with those damn Valley Girls.

It has now become so widespread, not just among young people, but of people of all ages. When I hear people over 40 talking like this, it makes me seriously nauseous. Honestly, I don't even think most of them realize they're doing it. If I ever catch myself doing it, I will be sure to punish my tongue severely with a sharp object.


The word "girlfriend" in just about any exchange between two females

"Girlfriend, you are so right!"

This is not merely some misogynistic comment. I'm hear to tell you that my "girlfriend" agrees with me 100%. Enough said.

Go to

Everyone has "go to" people, "go to" foods, "go to" activities, etc., etc, etc. Well, whenever I hear this catch phase too much, there is a certain "go to" place where I can distribute the contents of my stomach into a porcelain receptacle. It's called a bathroom.

I was like...

Paired with "uptalking", the constant use of the word "like" preceeding a descriptive sentence is worse than nails on a chalkboard.

"I was like...really bummed when I they closed that Gap store up the mall."

How could we make it even it even worse? Read on.

Totally Awesome!

Some things are just partially awesome, I guess. Actually, there are quite a few things in life that just really don't warrant the use of such a dramatic adjective. A sunrise over the Andes, I suspect, is quite "awesome" indeed. However, that new pair of sneakers you just bought at the Footlocker somehow just doesn't qualify. But hey, tag everything that instills even the slightest bit of enthusiasm or joy with this word, and it becomes virtually meaningless.

Now, let's tie the last two together with "uptalk" into one uber annoying sentence:

"I was at the mall the other day, and I saw this totally awesome pair of Nikes at the Footlocker! [uptalk] I was like...I gotta have those!"

Yes, the English language is dumbing down at a staggering pace, folks. That's all I have, for the time being. Thanks for reading my rant. Boy, do I feel old, now.

This article can also be found among my material at Xomba.

Burger King Ad

There is certainly nothing subtle about the the double entrendres in the latest ad campaign from fast food giant, Burger King. While I'm all for using sex creatively in advertising, even I had to cringe a bit when I saw this advertisement. Holy shit! Why not just hang a pair of testicles off that big, phallic looking sandwich, and shove it down the woman's throat while you're at it. And with all that naughty imagery already working for them, the words "super seven incher" pretty much pushes it over the top.

I'm speechless!

Maybe we should have seen this coming after the "square butts" advertisement of awhile back. Something tells me someone on their advertising staff formerly worked in the porno industry.

New JibJab Obama Video

Those cheeky folks at jibjab.com take another uncompromising poke at the esteemed POTUS with He's Barack Obama, playing up his "superhero" persona.

The clip debuted before Obama, himself, at the Radio and Television Correspondents' Association dinner Friday evening.

Wickedly funny, as usual.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

President Obama Kills White House Rat With Paperweight

Holy crap! As if that whole 'Obama fly incident' wasn't enough. I have been told by a semi-reliable, and semi-drunk, source that during a meeting in the Oval Office with his staff, a rat scurried from under Mr. Obama's desk. Without missing a beat, our valiant commander-in-chief grabbed a sturdy paperweight and gave the little rodent a sound bashing. He then tossed the carcass into the wastebasket and called for a White House staffer to dispose of the remains.

PETA is gonna go ape shit over this one, I tell ya.

I'll have more on this story just as soon as my source has thoroughly sobered up.

Letterman Apologizes to Palin

As much as I agree with the sentiment that David Letterman's joke was over the line, that he caved to the outcry by Palin supporters -- which was preceded by the Alaska Governor's pathetic whining over the incident -- just doesn't sit right with me. I find Palin's politics far more offensive than the joke in question, quite frankly. If it had been, I would have apologized with a little less groveling. Something like this would have been appropriate:

"While I apologize for making such an offensive joke about Governor Palin's daughter, the joke pales in comparison to the offensiveness of legalizing the gassing of wolves in Alaska -- as if shooting them from helicopters wasn't enough. But of course, I understand, as deplorable as Mrs. Palin's politics are, her family should be off limits to off color humor. However, in the future, maybe she will think twice before parading them so mercilessly before the media."

That would work for me. Anyway, here's Dave's full apology, which came at the beginning of the desk portion of Monday night's program.

72 Year Old Woman Gets Tasered

Let this be a lesson to all senior citizens. Don't think just because you're old, you can get away with being cantankerous. No, your sucking around for a serious dose of electricity to your frail bodies.

Come on now, you've been cruising on your elderly status for too long. Nobody appreciates someone who farts in public, smells like urine, and runs off at the mouth, telling everyone exactly what's on their mind. It was quaint for awhile, but those days are over.

Soon, it won't be just the law coming at you with high voltage. One of these days, we'll all be armed with tasers, ready to zap your annoying asses!

"Oh, you think I'm wasting my life, huh Grandma? Well, at least I don't sit around all day watching TV and swilling Geritol! Take this, you old bat!" ZAAPPPPPP!!!!!

Ok, seriously, now. It did seem a little unnecessary for this Texas trooper to resort to tasering this 72 year old woman. She might have a bad heart for all he knew. Sheesh!

Hoopla Over Letterman's Sarah Palin Top 10 List

David Letterman served up an edgy Top 10 List directed at Sarah Palin last night and sheer outrage has ensued. Palin is currently visiting New York City. One of the entries suggested that Palin was looking to update her "slutty flight attendant look."

That was pretty tame, in my opinion. However, the joke about Palin's 14-year-old daughter being knocked up at Yankee stadium was probably the lowest blow of them all. That's the nature of late night comedy, folks. But even I would have to admit that went a little too far -- and I'm one sick bastard. Leave the kids alone, for fuck's sake.

Still, the media attention is ridiculous.

IMHO, Internet Acronyms Bite

You know, when I first landed on the WWW over 10 years ago, I immediately adopted the use of internet acronyms to communicate with others in chat, message boards, etc. After awhile, though, the overuse of the most commons ones began to really annoy the living shit out of me. I can't even look at LOL without being overcome with the urge to strangle the person who typed it with the cord connected to their keyboard (or any other PC cord, I'm not picky).

What's even worse are the idiots who stretch the whole fucking thing out for some reason I've yet to comprehend. LOLOLOL. What the hell? They sound like babbling simpletons. Hey, if you wish to convey a heartier level of laughter, might I suggest LMAO or ROTFLMO. Those make me want to projectile vomit, as well, but they're not nearly as infuriating as LOLOLOL. What the does that mean, anyway? Laughing out loud out loud out loud...? I'm tempted to ask the person who scrawled this nonsense whether they've just developed a stuttering problem. If you need to signify a level of laughter that LOL can't do justice to, then use one of the aforementioned dorky acronyms that involve rolling, floors and detached asses. Sheesh, some people just seem to work extra hard at coming up with new ways to piss me off.

Another reason I've become a serious hater of internet acronyms is this sneaking suspicion that it's somehow not right to enhance the chat experience in this fashion. It should remain a limited media, hence we become to dependent on it for social interaction. If you want to know when I'm laughing, you'll just have to call me on the phone -- or show up at my door. And if you ever catch me rolling on the floor, please notify the nearest mental health facility. It will mean I've finally snapped for good.

One thing on which you can always depend: in any kid of heated debate, the number of acronyms used to indicate serious laughter is generally a good barometer of just how pissed off the person is. LOL = I'm pretty pissed off. LMAO = I'm really pissed off. ROTFLMAO = I'm so pissed off, there is steam coming out of my ears, I'm slobbering on the keyboard and I'm about ten seconds away from bursting a blood vessel.

Suffice to say, it's only the true idiots who think they're actually fooling anybody with such foolishness. This is right out of Internet Sparring 101. It's the only time I actually enjoy internet acronyms, since it's so damn entertaining.

Now about those damn lolcats...nahhh, I'll save that rant for another time.

Facebook Under Serious Attack! Run for Your Lives!

I'm not going to have any trouble heeding my own advice, since I haven't logged in for ages. But it's a battleground over there at the popular social networking site, folks. All manner of bogus web addresses are being lobbed at Facebook on a regular basis. The latest ones are brunga.at, areps.at, kirgo.at and nutpic.at. Casualties are mounting; the Department of Homeland Security has been notified.

Lock-up all your personal information, credit card information and such in a big steel box and bury it in the backyard. Put on your internet riot gear; the phishing mercenaries are on the move.

All kidding aside, don't click on any suspicious looking links unless you're a moron. That is all for now.

That Filter Between Your Brain and Mouth

It's human nature for less than sensitive, or tactful, comments to pop into our heads on occasion. Most of us, however, have a filter of sorts between our brains and mouth which prevents the more odious ones from spilling out. Unfortunately, we all have those days when the filter is a bit clogged. For instance:

"Gosh, I had no idea you were that old!"

Taken out of context of the actual conversation I was having with a woman friend of mine awhile back, this might look like and out-and-out slam. On the contrary, it was simply a poorly worded compliment. I meant only to impart that said individual had aged remarkably well. In the end, though, it came out sounding like I was accusing her of being "old". It was at that moment I realized my filter was in need of replacing. You know, kind of like those Pur water pitcher filtration thingies that need periodic changing. It's important to change your brain/mouth filter on a regular basis.

While my comment was understandable -- and laughed off by the recipient, for the most part -- what of those people who make a regular habit out of spewing far more offensive remarks on a daily basis? You know, the Larry David types we all know intimately. They don't mean any real harm, mind you; they're just too absent minded to keep their filters up-to-date. Again, example time:

"I don't mean to offend you, but your country's really small."

This was uttered by a boob of a shop owner in Nashville, Indiana when my girlfriend Rita made her first trip to the U.S. He asked from where we hailed, and Rita informed him her country of origin was Switzerland. Now, I'm certain the guy wasn't trying to be mean or anything. I suspect, in his old age, his filter was MIA. Still, she was offended by the comment. Hey, who wouldn't be, right? Maybe a good response would have been to grab the guy by the crotch and say:

"I don't mean to offend you, but your penis is really small."

That would have been friggin' great!

Now, I need to tell you of my own "clogged filter moment" that occurred right after the shop owner rammed his causal loafer right into his pie hole. If I didn't, and she reads this, I'd never hear the end of it. Hell, I've never heard the end of it for making the remark in the first place. Honestly, I don't need to give her anything more to hold over my head for all eternity.

"Ohhhh, I'm from Illinois."

You would had to have heard the inflection in my voice to truly appreciate just how this was received. In Rita's mind, I was trying to make it abundantly clear that I was from big 'ol U.S.A., not some puny little European country. In all honesty, I was merely answering the man's inquiry.

Obviously, the whole brain/mouth filter is simply a metaphor for keeping the mind sharp. Too often our minds get lazy if we don't exercise them often enough -- or so somebody keeps relentlessly reminding me. But she's absolutely correct.